The Lankford's Poppy Seed

So apparently I am more sensitive to caffeine after giving birth than I was before. 

Haven't had a DP in over a week until tonight. 

Not a good idea.

I've been laying in bed for an hour now and can't sleep.

My husband is snoring away and Libby is tossing and turning. 

Couldn't stop thinking about this post I wanted to write, so I might as well get up and do it. 

Why do people even read blogs?

Is it because they really, TRULY,  care about you and what is happening in your life?

Or is it just to be nosy?

I have to teach Sunday School to 3 year olds in the morning and haven't looked at my lesson.

Maybe that will be next. 

Erik is doing a baptism in the 2nd service and I was asked to do a family shoot after the 2nd service, so I guess I get to sleep in. 

A year ago in February (a week or two after Valentine's Day)

I got the best news.

I took a pregnancy test and it was POSITIVE. 

I thought it was going to be the best year. 

I was only nauseated, no vomiting.

I was working a lot. 

I got to go to Chicago with our good friends. 

Then comes May 2010.

Devastating news (cannot go into details)

Things changed.

Then comes Erik's birthday in September. 

Planned a fun trip to SA for our last "get-a-way" before the baby comes.

Fun dinner with friends.

Then something happens at church Sunday night while we were away. 

OF COURSE the ONE Sunday night that Erik has missed in the last 5 years we have been there.

Why can't things go back to the way they were?

Then comes November 2.

Delivery Day.

Thought I was going to have this wonderful, all natural birth, blah, blah, blah, you know the story. 

Ending in C-Section at 10:30 that night. 

No worries, she's healthy and that's all that matters. 

Then comes November 19th. 

Libby's 2 week check up.

Failure to thrive.

Blah blah blah...you know the story.

Then comes Christmas and we get to fly to California.

SO MUCH FUN.

We haven't been all together in California since the kids were about 4 and 5 months old.

Erik and I have gone separately with the kids...he with Isaac and me with Hadleigh.

What a blessing to be with Erik's mom on Christmas morning. 

I know she was ECSTATIC.

All the family got to meet Libby.

It was great. 

Then Erik gets shingles while we were there. 

GOODNESS.

Then comes February 1st.

I have to be out of my studio and we cut out our babysitter and go down to 2 days a week.

I agreed to it and b/c of this we were able to pay off my car last month.

It was a good thing.

Just hard.

Then comes February 9th.

The news of John's death.

Devastating.

Then comes February 10th.

(won't go into details)

Then comes the week of April 25-29.

PTL.

Erik's last week of class at HSU for his Doctorate.

He still has to write his paper/project, but thank goodness he is done with class work. 

I am so proud of him for sticking it out during all of this mess. 

We never thought in a million years we would be pregnant through all of his class work. 

It's worked out.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I have never felt so lost.

I honestly feel really alone sometimes. 

This is supposed to be the happiest times of our lives. 

The Lord has blessed us with this child we have asked for for so long.

I just want things to go back to the way they were.

I know they won't/can't.

People change and things change. 

I have never felt so tired all the time. 

I know....I have 3 children. 

But so what?

Lot's of people have 3 children.

In case you were wondering, I am still working full time. I had a short break for a couple weeks

where it slowed down, but I basically have at least one session a day.

It's great and the Lord is blessing us.

Just wish there were more hours in the day. 

Photography is NO PART TIME job. 

Especially when you work from home.

It's on your mind 24/7.

The computer always staring at you in the face.

The "so-called" competition popping up all over FB with promotions and what not.

Then people who say they want to call you friend promoting the so-called competition.

Is it really competition if you are the most expensive photographer in town?

I mean it's not like a Doctor's office, where they basically have to charge the same amount for the same service everywhere.

That is competition. 

Everyone charges the same price, but you get to choose who YOU like best, because of the service they offer and the bedside manner, etc. 

I feel defeated.

I've never felt this way before. 

I've never in my life felt insecure about anything.

I'm not a cocky or conceited person.

I just feel comfortable in my skin and I love what I do and the people I choose to be around and have in my life.

I feel like I'm a pretty good mom (most of the time).

The last couple of weeks have been really hard, with my kids getting older 

(ALMOST FOUR) and verbal skills getting better and sassier!

I think Erik and I about both lost our minds today with our kids. 

Anyway, I think this is getting way too long. 

Why is life so hard?

Why are friendships so hard?

I'm beginning to think it's just us. 

Or maybe our expectations are too high?

Or maybe we are just selfish.

Anyone want to take a guess?

Fill us me in?

So if you are reading this and thinking GOOD GRIEF....she needs some help..

then you are probably right!

LOL.

It only does me so much good to talk to my husband about this. hahaha.

I am not unhappy...I hope it doesn't come across that way. 

I feel like change is coming. 

It better be. 

I want to be out of this FUNK I'm in. 

I get to visit my BFF Lauren next week in Colorado.

Just me and Libby.

We get to meet baby Jax for the first time. 

CANNOT WAIT.

Then the fun begins when we get back. 

Summer will be in FULL SWING.

I just want to have fun and be with my kids. 

Creating memories. 

Guess I should end with a picture:

my baby girl on the day she was born. 

she looks so different. 

i want to remember this always.